True and fantasy headlines I'd like to see - in the old-fashioned seriatim style:

In keeping with my curmudgeonly pique this evening, I offer the following which are either (1) true or (2) I honestly wish they were true. Perhaps this will be a continuing feature. Perhaps it's just me blowing cold flame. Coincidence? I think not.

MILLIONS OF STUDENTS SOBER, STUDYING, WORKING'
- Student leaders: " 'Everybody does it,' my ass!"
- Book purchasing soars
- Take time for church, volunteer work
- Youth recognize the elderly as having had hard & honest lives
- West Virginia bag boy: "The old guy blocking the register line went ashore on D-Day - Leave him alone!"
- News execs pledge no longer "If it bleeds, it leads."

BOTTLED WATER INDUSTRY COLLAPSES
- Surgeon General: "What kind of moron would buy it?"
- States continue to regulate safe tap water.
- Coke, Pepsi Board Members hurl selves from Midwest water towers.
- God promises: Rains will continue until further notice.
- President of France: "Damn, you finally figured out that Perrier tastes like bubbly piss."
- Hypocrits! Leading law firm continues to stock bottled water.

BRITNEY ONLY ONE OF A MILLION
- Surgeon General: "There are at least a million screwed up young women out there."
- Major healthcare need finally recognized.
- Insurance executives hurl selves from Midwest water towers
- Microsoft offerring update to Word; "Britney" will be auto-deleted from the news.

SMOKERS ABANDON LAWSUITS
- Surgeon General: "About time - what morons!"
- Plaintiffs decide to accept personal responsibility.

"COP KILLER" BULLETS BANNED
- Made to penetrate body armor
- Have been available by mail order
- Wayne LaPierre: "About time. What the hell were we thinking?"

INSURANCE COMPANIES TO OFFER FAIR SETTLEMENTS
- Companies pledge to end lying and abuse
- Trial lawyers fail to hurl selves from Midwest water towers; too many people already there.
- Gecko, Guy with Deep Voice, Good Neighbor Agent, "Cave Men" all exposed as frauds.

CONGRESS ENACTS MINIMUM LIVING WAGE
- Two working parents to be able to live, raise children
- Chamber of Commerce admits that small business will prosper; "We were really protecting the huge & greedy. Sorry!"
- Union bosses avoid the Midwest; Depressed because no longer needed

PARENTS UNITE, BECOME GOOD EXAMPLES
- No longer preach abstinence of alcohol and get wasted on weekends.
- Apologize for acting like "buddies" rather than parents.
- Apologize to grandparents who had to step in to raise grandchildren.


Keep your powder dry. Pippa passes.

R