19 April 2015

A Modest Proposal for the Sale of Votes; and Other Tales

Reported, the Koch brothers are ready to spend $900 Million dollars in the 2016 campaign.  PS, they can afford it out of small change.  

Presumably, all sorts of sugar daddies on the right and not just a few sugar daddies on the left (together with lots of-who cares-but-we-have-a-special-interest-ites will add a garnish to the repast.) 

Reportedly, the ability to target specific voters has advanced by leaps and bounds over the last 3 years.  

The problem with this is that advertisers, consultants and general riff-raff are going to hog the money.  Mind you, the money WILL get spent, for we as Americans have proved time and again that we are generally stupid and willing to sell our votes to those who pay the most for them.

How can we get the money to people who truly deserve it?  NOBODY likes political lobbyists. We may tolerate them as a necessary evil, but like them?  Not happening.

What is the AMERICAN answer?  

It’s to adopt the spirit of Ebay!  

Let''s take the $900 Million. They are going to buy a bunch of votes.  In 2012, 126 million votes were cast.  In 2013, the Koch boys are willing to spend $7.14 for each and every one of us.  And if they are looking for just a healthy majority, a convincing win can be had had for THIRTEEN BUCKS a vote.  Think of it – The majority of us can get something like $13 for something we’re willing to give up for FREE.  

America needs a bold new election paradigm.  (Geez, I love that word, “paradigm.”) If we are the whore to the Koch’s/Soro’s/Whoever’s johns, it’s time to cash in.  

I figure it’ll take about $1.20 to cover the administrative costs of buying a vote.  And the Koch’s, etc., should be rewarded for saving money and sticking it to the political class, so lets let them retain 90 or so cents from every transaction.  That leaves a cool Eleven Dollars for you and me to do what they tell us.  

Do you know what you can gets for Eleven Bucks?  That’s a venti-latte AND a big, serious muffin at Starbucks; it’s TWO magazines, like Field & Stream, Time, The National Review or The New Republic: it’s modest meal for two at Burger Chef.  We’re talking real money.  And if we are going to sell our votes, by Golly, WE DESERVE THE MONEY.

So my modest proposal is for the Koch boys, etc., each to set up a website to offer to buy votes.  After all, if we do this honestly and as a purely commercial transaction, everybody profits!

Perhaps the Koch’s/Soros’, etc., won’t trust us to deliver the votes.  No problem.  We vote absentee, give powers-of-attorney to the buyers to cast our ballots and give the buyers’ addresses for the county clerks to send the absentee ballots.  In the modern era, no little thing like a declaration that the voter actually voted is going to be prosecuted.  

Then, we cash our $11 bucks - or, better, let them send us CASH - and enjoy it.  After all, we’ve already decided the hell with the United States, so we’re just negotiating a reasonable fee.


Earth Day is this Wednesday.  It started as a environmental weenie holiday, but has since become cool because it’s commercializes responsibility.

(Ah, I well remember the very first Earth Day in 1970.  We celebrated by blowing up a beaver dam of particularly obnoxious rodents.  Damn, were the beavers’ pissed.)

Litter bothers everyone, supposedly, but we throw away junk all the time.  

So in the spirit of free enterprise, every time you litter, also throw a quarter out the window.  Then, the poor putzes who care about such things will have a little additional incentive to wipe our figurative asses.

Remember - CASH is King!


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