09 October 2012

How Irrational Corporate Decisions at McDonald's Will Help My Animal Friends; Silly Walks Under the Golden Arches

I am a man of moderate although predictable habits.

Much of my practice has migrated to the 19th Judicial Circuit, consisting of Taylor and Barbour Counties, West Virginia. Going to court there requires that I drive down Route 250, which follows a road first laid down in the early 1800s.

Court starts promptly at 9:00 AM and so I leave early in the morning for what has become a most pleasant drive. On the way, I will stop for a bit of breakfast at a particular McDonald’s restaurant.

I know that some nutritionists will disapprove. Since when is nutritionists disapproving with regard to me a big surprise?

In any event, the 300 calorie Egg McMuffin, coffee and sometimes milk makes for a perfectly adequate road breakfast, suitable for a barrister of moderate habits.

This morning, the sign under the Golden Arches advertised “TWO Egg McMuffins for $3.” Okay, I figured, a buck and a half apiece, sounds great. So I ordered one.

When I went to the window, the price seemed awfully steep.   I looked at the receipt, something almost never do. Lo and behold, they had charged me $2.84 for that single damn Egg McMuffin.

At the next window, I asked “What’s with this?”

Now when a business does something irrational or random, it seems to me that there are three possible responses:

1 - Keep silent and look passive aggressive.

2 - Rationalize and look stupid.

3 - Say “That’s our policy,” which depending on the inflection can say “Screw you” or “Don’t blame me, I just work here.”

Okay, you know the answer here – “That’s our policy.”

I do not bitch out employees. In corporate hierarchies, there is a disconnect between the people who make “policies” and the people who have to implement them. Killing the messenger may give some momentary pleasure, but it’s awfully hard on the messenger.

Corporations do not have a unified conscience and when it comes to honest self-criticism, most corporations have all of the insight of your average lynch mob.

So I wondered – The corporation won’t care, so is there any way to turn this to a little positive?

It didn’t take long.

People who know me know of my great fondness for all of my animal friends.

[Yes, Egg McMuffins use animal products. Society uses lots of animal products. Very few source animals die of natural causes. Anyone who wishes to point out the mote in my eye is welcome to do so. Do mind that log.]

Autumn is upon us and we are coming on the bad weather when food sources for the animals become scarce. Oh, right, I hear it now – feeding the animals disrupts some natural balance. Come on, that ship sailed when the 100th long rifle crossed the Blue Ridge.

So, by an irrational policy, McDonald’s will subsidize me giving my animal friends a wholesome snack for only 16 cents every time I drive by the restaurant.

Now, you see, I’m going to order the two Egg Macs for the $3. I will consume one. And then, at one of the wide places in the road, I will stop, shred the other, and spread it where the animals can feed a bit.

This is the old win - win - win scenario.

McDonald’s sells more sandwiches. At low cost? That’s okay, they’re the ones that set the price.

My animal friends get a little food.

I’m only out 16 cents.

So here is a tip of the hat to McDonald’s management.  Every day, they come closer to the perfection of Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks.

  • Happiest days
I was having a conversation this week with a very decent fellow, a working man who has two daughters.

He recalled the happiest time of his life. He said it was when his two daughters were little children and they lived together in a “piece of shit trailer,” and got around in an old thousand dollar car.

He described the joy of helping with homework and cooking Sunnday breakfast as a family and going fishing.

THAT is wealth.
  • Where I have done been.
Dammit, I’m busy. My trusty HAL 3000 puffs smoke out the USB ports. This is just the first time in a while I’ve been able to direct it to this place.

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